A covert narcissist, also known as a vulnerable narcissist, is often harder to identify compared to an overt narcissist due to their subtle approach to narcissism. Unlike the overt narcissist who is openly grandiose and attention-seeking, the covert narcissist often appears shy, modest, or insecure. However, they share the same underlying traits of self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and a deep need for admiration.
Traits and behaviors of a covert narcissist
Here are some common traits and behaviors that can help you recognize a covert narcissist:
False Humility
Covert narcissists often display a facade of modesty or humility to mask their true intentions. They might downplay their achievements or deflect praise to seem humble. This false humility can make it difficult to identify their narcissistic traits.
Victim Mentality
They frequently adopt a victim mentality, blaming others for their problems and seeking sympathy and attention. By portraying themselves as perpetual victims, they manipulate those around them to gain sympathy and control.
Passive-Aggressiveness
They may express their anger or frustration through passive-aggressive behavior, such as giving the silent treatment or making sarcastic comments. This passive-aggressiveness allows them to express their hostility without taking direct responsibility for it.
Lack of Empathy
Despite their outward appearance of sensitivity, covert narcissists lack genuine empathy. They are primarily concerned with their own needs and desires. This lack of empathy can cause significant emotional harm to those around them.
Envy and Resentment
They often feel envious of others’ success and may harbor resentment towards those who achieve more than they do. This envy and resentment can lead to subtle, yet damaging, attempts to undermine others.
Gaslighting
Covert narcissists are skilled manipulators. They might use gaslighting techniques to make others doubt their perceptions and maintain control. Gaslighting involves twisting facts, denying previous statements, and making the victim question their sanity.
The Impact of a Covert Narcissist on Relationships
Dealing with a covert narcissist can be emotionally draining and damaging to one’s self-esteem. Here are some ways a covert narcissist can impact relationships:
Emotional Manipulation
They often manipulate emotions to keep their partners off-balance and dependent on them. They might use tactics such as love-bombing, followed by withdrawal of affection, to maintain control.
Isolation
They may isolate their partners from friends and family to maintain control. By creating an environment where their partner feels alone, the covert narcissist ensures that they are the primary source of support and validation.
Undermining Confidence
Covert narcissists subtly undermine their partners’ confidence and self-worth, making it difficult for them to leave the relationship. This can include making critical comments, giving backhanded compliments, or constantly comparing their partner unfavorably to others.
How to Recognize a Covert Narcissist
Recognizing a covert narcissist involves paying attention to subtle cues and patterns of behavior. Here are some signs to look out for:
Inconsistency
Covert narcissists often display inconsistent behavior. They might be charming and supportive one moment, and distant or critical the next.
Excessive Sensitivity
They may react excessively to perceived slights or criticism, even if it is minor or unintended.
Attention-Seeking
Despite their outward appearance of modesty, covert narcissists crave attention and validation. They might fish for compliments or create situations where they can be the center of attention.
Blame-Shifting
They rarely take responsibility for their actions and often blame others for their problems or mistakes.
How to Deal with a Covert Narcissist
If you suspect you are dealing with a covert narcissist, here are some strategies to protect yourself:
Set Boundaries
Clearly define and enforce your personal boundaries. Don’t allow the narcissist to overstep them. Firm boundaries help protect your emotional well-being and maintain your sense of self.
Seek Support
Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist about your experiences. External perspectives can provide valuable insights and support. Therapy can also help you develop strategies for dealing with the covert narcissist’s behavior.
Maintain Independence
Focus on your own interests and maintain your independence. Avoid becoming overly reliant on the narcissist for validation. Pursuing your own goals and hobbies can help you stay grounded and build your self-esteem.
Limit Contact
If possible, limit your contact with the narcissist. This can help reduce their influence over you. In cases where you cannot completely avoid them, such as a workplace setting, try to keep interactions professional and brief.
Educate Yourself
Learning more about narcissistic behavior can help you recognize manipulation tactics and protect yourself from emotional harm.
Conclusion
Recognizing and understanding the behaviors of a covert narcissist is essential for protecting your mental and emotional well-being. By setting boundaries, seeking support, and maintaining independence, you can mitigate the impact of their manipulative tendencies. Awareness is the first step towards reclaiming your life from the subtle yet damaging influence of a narcissist. Educating yourself about their traits and behaviors can empower you to make informed decisions and protect yourself from emotional harm.
Also read: Narcissist Definition